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Coach Koenig

Leaving its Mark

May 24, 2012 /
Today was the day. On what would have been our fifteenth wedding anniversary I remove the delicate yellow and white gold band from the third finger of my left hand. It had been my mother’s.  I was never much for diamonds, and happily wore this modest symbol of my commitment for the entire world to see. Today I remove its magical and protective powers with a small tug on my hand and a big one on my heart. Being married conveys instant status in our culture.  Like being born white or able bodied or straight, it bestows upon us an
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Family of Choice

May 10, 2012 /
Growing up the fifth of eight children, I never fully appreciated the notion of wanting to add extra people to your family.  Why would you want another brother if you already had five? After law school, I returned from Boston to Omaha where all of my family, save one brother, still lived. I never lacked for the opportunity to be with family on any Christmas, birthday, or Fourth of July. My husband’s family lived here, too, and our children grew up on my mother-in-law’s famous sit down holiday dinners for 20. Family changes when you divorce. You lose more family
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A Wonder of Worry

April 26, 2012 /
My mother would have turned 88 this week. In 1962 our family of 9 moved into a two bedroom house, which she resided in up until her death. 50 years later, I live and work walking distance from that little house. My mom worried about her children. I can only imagine how she worried when we moved into that house because there was no money for rent at our previous place; or when Dad was laid off from his construction job at Christmas time; or when he was fired for his drinking.   Through most of my adult life her
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Recognizing Ritual

April 12, 2012 /
I awoke at sunrise to slip out the door with my gloves, sheers, and bucket of water. The summer temperatures on the 1st of April meant I didn’t have a day to lose. One Monday morning each spring my co-workers walk into the office to the sweet scent of newly cut lilac blooms filling the air, and today was the day. I had a sense of purpose. I remembered the many years my small act made others smile and filled my heart with joy. I knew that no matter how long my to-do list, today this was number one. I
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The Gossip Game

March 29, 2012 /
The childhood game of telephone was guaranteed to bring peals of laughter.  By the time the whispered message made its way down the line of those passing on the message, it was sure to be a hilarious ending. We played the game because it was fun. But during divorce, a message misinterpreted can cause needless worry, sadness, or anger. We hear that our former spouse is driving a new Lexus. We get upset wondering where the money came from. Later we learn it was a borrowed car.  We are told she was seen sitting at a table for two in
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Forever Friends

March 15, 2012 /
Melodee and I became friends in an era when BFF was not a part of the lexicon of friendship. 33 years after first meeting in her Boston apartment, we have earned the respective titles. We both married lawyer husbands, had two children, celebrated great career achievements and dismal failures. We saw one another through illness, the deaths of our mothers, divorce, and happy second marriages. Through it all, I learned the value of asking for what I need from a friend. When going through a big life challenge like divorce, our friends want to help. They see our suffering and
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Appraising Opinions

March 1, 2012 /
Our beliefs about marriage are influenced from our earliest days. Growing up in the 1950s, my bride doll was a treasured symbol of the expected aspiration that I get married. I was barely 6 years old when I watched my big sister walk down the aisle of St. Francis Cabrini Church wearing a white dress, carrying a bouquet of red roses. I was still a teen when a romantic boy presented me with a “promise” ring with its tiny diamond, the symbol of pre-engagement. Images, experiences, opinions. Our culture defines our most closely held beliefs about who we can and
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Sick of Divorce

February 2, 2012 /
Demi Moore recently made headlines after a being hospitalized just two months following a separation from her husband. The star I once admired doing chin ups as the brave soldier in GI Jane grew hauntingly thinner in recent months. Concerns of friends accelerated to a panicked 911 call. Exhaustion and divorce can go hand in hand.  So can a relapse of addictions in all forms.  Drugs. Sex. Food. Gambling. Alcohol. Shopping. Work. The familiarity of Moore’s photo shocked me. I recognized the gaunt face and skeleton-like arms. I had seen this image before from across my law office desk. It
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Making a Case

January 19, 2012 /
Thirty years of being a divorce lawyer taught me how to build a winning case. I learned that one can gather evidence for any conclusion.  At trial, both sides have a stack of exhibits, a list of witnesses, a summary of statutes, and an argument. We build cases to support our conclusions. When going through divorce, we choose from many conclusions:             “My life is ruined.”  OR “My life is changing but it will be okay.”             “My children will be devastated.” OR “With enough love and stability, my children                                                                                           will survive this.”             “I will never recovery financially.” OR
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Shining a New Light on the Holidays

December 22, 2011 /
Being a product of the self-help era, I recently turned to the book from the local grief center on how to make it through the holidays.  As I read, the tips seemed familiar.  Ben and Jack were just 7 and 8 when their father and I divorced and I first learned how to recreate the holidays. This year my children, now grown, will fly in from opposite coasts for Christmas.  Those same feelings of angst about how I will make it all okay come over me.  Their stepfather, my husband, John, died in September. I am a good planner.  For
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