As Angela prepares to celebrate her birthday, we are posting a #TBT blog back to when she threw a Celebration of Sparkle!

I say it every year – regardless of the gradual hike upward in age – I LOVE my birthday.  I love a day designed for simply celebrating your own unique existence.  This year I charged at my birthday with the same gusto as my nine-year-old daughter (who coincidentally celebrates her birthday the day after mine).  I went so far as to put the party planning techniques I have mastered for my daughters’ birthday parties to use for my own.  I hosted a Celebration of Sparkle in honor of the women in my life who contribute to my sparkle.

My intentions were threefold:  join together some of my favorite women in one room and let the fun unfold; have an event around my birthday that I would look forward to, plan for and enjoy every minute of; and, put a bunch of glitter on stuff all around my house because that would simply make me happy.  I met each intention and then some.

As I looked around at the women gathered in my living room, all dressed in their own bit of sparkle, I saw that I had formed lasting relationships with women at every stage in my life.  There were high school friends, college friends, law school friends, and friends I had picked up over the last decade-plus since becoming a professional.  And they were all still with me.  As a divorced person, we may get the thought that we don’t know how to make relationships last.  I felt affirmed looking at all of the women with me.  I was, in fact, good at lasting relationships.  My full living room proved it.  But until it was staring me in the face, I had been holding a different and damaging opinion of myself.  I realized one failed relationship does not make me a failure.

I know how hard it is to have your first birthday post-divorce.  But I now also know how fabulous and fun your second birthday post-divorce can be with a little bit of focused intention.  I urge you to consider taking one of the following actions for your birthday this year. Pick the one that matches your energy level best.

• Throw a party: Even if a party for 1.  Make sure that you pause to celebrate you in a way that is meaningful for your heart.  Whether it means a small dinner with a friend, a picnic in the park with you and your kids, or a long bath filled to the top with bubbles, pause and take time to honor you.  In the way that means the most to you.  Plan it, schedule it, mark the time out on your calendar.  Anticipate it and then relish it.
• Celebrate your successes: Reflect on the last 12 months of your life.  Write down – yes, I mean physically write down, each and every accomplishment.  Write the sad parts that you got past.  Write down the things that happened that you never could have predicted that brought you joy or pain.  Write it all down.  Look at what you did in the last year.  Sit with it.  Cry about it. Laugh about it.  Feel proud.
• Write your vision: I urge you to think about your life a year from now.  Be brave and muster up all the courage you can and look out a year from now.  What would be the perfect thing to see?  Where do you want to be?  Get real and start thinking about the changes you would like to see, the parts you would like to improve or what absolutely must stay the same.

Most of all – I wish for you to get back to a point of celebrating your inner sparkle.  It may be buried now, but it will resurface.  I promise.  And there is no better day than your birthday to start looking for it.

Angela Dunne

She was troubled by her eighth grade essay assignment for school: to write about a significant challenge she had faced in life.  She would be reading this essay in front of her class.  “But I haven’t had a major challenge,” she bemoaned to her teacher.  “Anna, aren’t your parents divorced?”

As she relayed this to me, privately I felt proud that she needed that reminder – that she didn’t consider having divorced parents as being a challenge.  I was scooting toward being self-congratulatory and smug until she told me she thought that would be a good topic to write about.

On the plus side, she has not lost a beloved family member, a topic that was the focus of many of her classmates’ essays.  She has not suffered her own health ailments.  She has not been bullied.  For the most part, she has been blessed.

She spent the weekend writing her essay.  When I asked if I could read it, she declined to share.  This surprised me.  An old familiar worry tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if I was sure I had not damaged her by being divorced.  I started to fret about what she didn’t want me to know about the impact of being a child of divorce.

She shared with me that the divorce in some ways has become harder the older she gets.  She wrote about how she did not like having to ask at high school registration for different transportation for her dad’s house.  She does not like it when an extended family member makes a negative comment about one of her parents or when they chide her for talking to one parent during the other’s parenting time.  She does not like having to choose a parent to sit with on the bleachers during her younger sister’s games.  She does not like vacationing without me.

I realized as she described these discomforts that the divorce has not become harder per se, but she has become more self-aware.  While she does not see the divorce as a major challenge in her life, she is more mindful of how she has to make choices and experience life events without the benefit of both parents jointly by her side.  She only gets me half of her time and her dad half of her time, and like her parents she wishes now it was more than that.

I see I have turned the corner with my daughters getting older.  The divorce is now becoming a more equally shared experience for each family member.  In the time ahead it will require more awareness, compassion, and communication as my daughters join the divorce journey alongside me instead of following behind.

Angela Dunne

April is World Autism Month. To learn more, click HERE.

Michaela has been a paralegal at Koenig|Dunne for over 3 years.  Michaela is a divorced mom to Grace (16) and Sophia (14).  This is her story as told to me.

I knew the minute she was born she was special.  My Sophia with her dark hair and those large expressive eyes I could get lost in for a lifetime. Before she was born I wondered how I could love her as much I loved her older sister, Grace.  Grace had captured my whole entire heart for the two years before Sophia came.  But then Sophia arrived.  My heart expanded the way mother’s hearts do and she filled it up.

It was a few years before “special” took on a new meaning for my Sophia.  At two years old she was diagnosed with autism. I knew nothing about autism.  I was scared.  I felt lost and overwhelmed with worry.

After her diagnosis, I withdrew from the world as a wife, employee, and mother.  I was obsessed about finding help for my daughter.  Unfortunately, my research findings were insignificant, and therapies available to children in Nebraska with autism 12 years ago were scarce.  Insurance mandates had not made their way to the State of Nebraska so any treatment found was incredibly expensive.  We ended up placing Sophia in an autism treatment clinic at UNMC’s Munroe Meyer Institute that cost $300 per day (out of pocket).

I was 27.  We were living paycheck to paycheck.  The emotional and financial stressors introduced to our already crumbling marriage made divorce inevitable.  I was a disengaged spouse, focusing solely on what I could do to help my daughter, no matter the cost.

Sophia was considered “low functioning” at the time of our divorce.  She was considered non-verbal (she would only say “hi” at two years old) and communicated with hand gestures and a couple of signs.  There was no way I was going to divide the time with my girls between their Dad and me.

I alone had done all the research.

I alone had found the treatment options.

I alone managed all of Sophia’s doctor’s appointments, therapist, insurance claims, bills, and education meetings.

It would be over my dead body that I would relinquish any of these parenting responsibilities to her father who I had pushed out of any part of the Sophia’s care.  When the time came to develop our Parenting Plan, co-parenting a special needs child seemed impossible to me.

How will we ensure consistency in two households? 

How will I know Sophia is taking her medication when she’s at her Dad’s house?  Will he even give it to her?  What about Sophia’s recommended treatments from therapists? What if we are not consistent in treatments in separate households?

What if we have a disagreement about education or medical care for    medical care for Sophia? Who will make the decision to avoid disruption in care? 

How, financially, are we going to continue medical treatment for our child? We’re broke.

Who is going to manage all the insurance paperwork?

Who is going to manage the multiple-time-per-week doctor’s appointments?    

Who is taking off work to ensure Sophia goes to those appointments?

How am I going to manage all of Sophia’s care, continue working, AND be a mother to my oldest daughter without failing at it all?

Divorce involving children is hard. It tests you at every emotional place – even if the divorce is your choice.  Divorce involving a special needs child elevates the challenges to an entirely new level – many of which I never realized until the final papers had been signed and I was on my own as a single parent for the first time.

What I discovered in the years after was that more than anything I needed to process my guilt around feeling relieved to be divorced.  I was exhausted from being on edge caring for a special needs child 24 hours a day.  Secretly, I was looking forward to “break” when Sophia went to her Dad’s house for parenting time.  Despite the fact that I wanted to control everything, I so desperately needed a break to care for myself.  I felt like a failure as a mother for looking forward to the breaks.  What mom wants to be without their children for a couple days?

What I learned is that I am a better mom now because of that self-care.  I am a better mom for learning how to be flexible.  I am a better mom for letting Sophia’s dad in to support.  I am a better mom for learning how to better communicate with her dad over the years because our daughter demanded consistency.

In the twelve years since our divorce, my former spouse and I have never litigated a modification action.  We’ve both remained flexible, giving and taking when our child needs it.  I have had to set aside my pride and ego more times than I care to admit.  But now?  My once non-verbal child at age 14 won’t stop talking or asking questions and all of the sacrifices were well worth it.

Angela Dunne

“He is a well-known athlete.  He came to every meeting with a complete entourage of bodyguards, accountants, and managers.  I advised him that he would need to leave said entourage at home for the child support hearing in front of the judge.   The day of the hearing, he arrived with his entourage and finally agreed to leave them in the hallway – out of the courtroom.  I then eyed the diamond encrusted watch on his thick wrist.  I told him he would need to take off the $75,000 watch if I was going to proceed with advocating for a lowered amount of child support.

Suddenly he was in my face.  We stood nose to nose.  I fought with my 6 foot some and 200+ pound frame to avoid noticeable quivering.  ‘This ain’t no $75,000 watch!’ he barked.  ‘This watch is worth $300,000.’  I sighed and told him it needed to come off.”

I laughed along with the rest of the audience.  I was in a room full of divorce attorneys from around the country.  I was hearing tales of the rich and famous – but with a twist.  These were tales of custody battles and child support of the rich and famous.

Another attorney rose to tell about the worries of another Hollywood divorcing couple.  He spoke about his client’s fears about parenting time and how to minimize the impact on his children.

Over the course of a week in Hawaii at the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers midyear conference, I got to “talk shop” with lawyers ranging from New York to Texas to California.  We attended several hours of continuing legal education seminars to obtain practice tips and specialized knowledge about how best to practice.

Out of all the legal education hours, the best learning I left with was how universal the challenges, worries, and fears of divorcing parents are.  Regardless of race, geography, gender, income, age of minor children – the parental heartstrings are the same.

While laws for divorce, custody, and child support vary from state to state, the experience of having a law decide outcomes, restrictions, or parameters for how to parent is a jarring experience.  With the dividing of time and directions for how to spend money with and for the children, this interference is a universal struggle for parents raising their children in separate households.

Most of the conversations I had with the lawyers were focused on how to make this better for parents and subsequently, the children.  If you are a parent raising children in separate households and reading this blog, you are likely looking to make your experience better too.  You are not alone.

If we continue to acknowledge the experience, tell the truth about our part in it, we can strive to move forward to make more universal good out of our situations.  (However, it may still require that we not wear diamond watches to court.)

Angela Dunne

She felt sick to her stomach and ran to the restroom.  She was embarrassed as she bumped past her third grade classmates.  Her cheeks were tear-stained when she made it to the nurse’s office. “I just threw up and I don’t feel good.”  The nurse took her temperature revealing a fever.

“Ms. Smith?  This is Nancy, the school nurse.  Rebecca just threw up and is running a fever.  Are you able to come pick her up?”

“I am.  But today is her dad’s day.  I can come get her, but you should call him first.”

“Mr. Smith?  This is Nancy, the school nurse. Rebecca just threw up and is running a fever.  Are you able to come pick her up?”

“I can’t be there for a few hours.  I have a meeting at work.”

“I spoke with Ms. Smith and she is able to pick up Rebecca.”

“No.  It is not her day.  Rebecca will have to wait.”

“Hey Randy – Why does your mom stand by the door?  Why doesn’t she sit on the bleachers with our parents?”

“She says it isn’t her day.”

“Dad, can I call mom and tell her about my spelling test?”

“No.  You can tell her Wednesday when you see her again.”

Legally, these parents are within their right to assert their positions and take the actions.  These parents were objectively correct, but actually wrong.  Many parents fail to understand what the “best interests of the child” means.  Some parents believe it is about who the better parent is.  Some parents believe it is about who is right and who is wrong.  Some parents believe it is about following a parenting plan with rigidity.

What if these parents instead shifted their focus to their child’s feelings?  What if the best interests of the children was served by parents putting their feet in their children’s shoes and looking at how their “right” position made their children feel? If the desired outcome is happy and well-adjusted children post-divorce, what would it be like if this was the focus?

When exercising flexibility, openness, and compassion your desired outcome may actually become your reality. And we are all the better for it.

Angela Dunne

It’s #TBT! If you heed Angela’s advice in her Permission to Parent series – you may also be able to say, “Lucky Us.”

I remember the instantaneous excitement I felt when the girls came home from school and enthusiastically reported that Anna got a part in the play.  As someone who did my own share of performances in junior high and high school, I was thrilled to see her so excited to experience the unique kind of magic that being part of a cast and a show produces.

This was her first year with a role, a costume, and a solo.  I wanted to be with her for all of it and to celebrate it all.  When mapping out the rehearsal and performance schedules, my heart sank.  She would not be with me the evening of the show.  She would be at her dad’s.

As word got around that Anna would be in the show, my mom made plans to travel back in from Oregon, and Anna’s paternal grandparents from Texas made their travel arrangements as well.  Anna’s time was going to be at a premium and everyone would want their share.  I messaged her dad a week or so in advance and asked if we might all meet for ice cream after the show to support and celebrate Anna.  I had already previously agreed that he could have my Friday night that week to allow her grandparents to spend more time with her.

When he responded a week or so later that ice cream after would be fine, I felt so lucky.  It is the only word to describe our situation some days.  I feel lucky that my co-parent and I can be flexible with our schedules.  I feel lucky that we continue to support our children’s relationships with their extended families to the fullest extent possible. I feel lucky that our families support us despite our divorced status.

With St. Patrick’s Day falling a week after this picture was taken, you can see why in this season I value and appreciate how lucky we are.  This extended and blended family coming together to support one child, requires all of us to do our part.  It requires all of us to focus on family.

Many families are not so lucky.  I regularly hear reports of ex in-laws bad-mouthing the other parent and the only reason the parent learns about it – the children tell their parent what they heard.  Some families are not able to move to the forgiving and forgetting part.  Some families lose sight of how family changes for every member except the children.  Children do not have former grandparents, or ex-aunts and ex-uncles.  They just have family members.  And only the lucky children have parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, step-parents and step-families who remember this.

Here my former mother-in-law has her arms around my sister’s son (who was born after we were divorced).  My brother in the back is happy to have another tall member in the form of my daughters’ stepbrother.  My former husband and his wife crowded in next to my mom without hesitation.  This is our family.  We have kept the focus of how, for better or worse, we are connected as a family through our children.  Lucky us.

Angela Dunne