OUR BLOGS
We have three different blog series for you to find inspiration and encouragement as you go on this journey:
- Doing Divorce, A thoughtful discussion about divorce: Angela Dunne provides practical advice based on real examples of what she and her clients have faced through the transition of divorce.
- Divorce Made Simple: Our attorneys breakdown the divorce process in a way that is easy to understand.
- NEXT: An Empowerment Series: Attorney and life coach Susan Koenig guides, supports, and inspires you on the journey of creating a life you love.
“First, are you really lonely?” He challenged me in the chat box, “You seem to have many friends with various roles in your life. A few of your relationships seem deeply satisfying.” He was right. “He,” is a friend as far back as middle school now reconnected on social media along with a whole community of others. He pushed further, “Does being an introvert make you lonely? The way you talk about your hobbies in general indicate to me they give you great joy.”
He was right – about all of it. In just that week alone, I had had a heart-to-heart with Susan, coffee with Allison, a deep conversation with Todd, received a sweet message from Matt, attended a show with Lindsay and Angela, was inspired to support my veteran friend Ed in a fundraiser, planned a fall excursion with my best friends Genelle and Traci, exchanged light-hearted bantering with Greg, and went off on vacation with my daughters to also spend quality time with my parents. This doesn’t even take into consideration the dozens of interactions in the week with co-workers I adore and my clients whom I endeavor to support.
How, despite having rich connections and joy-filled hobbies, do I experience loneliness? I suppose it is the same way I can experience jealousy when my girls have a brand-new experience at their dad’s house. Or I can feel fear when getting ready for bed while home alone after having watched a serial killer documentary. Our feelings aren’t always rationally related to truths.
Many facts can be true while simultaneously tangling up our heartstrings. I see it all the time in our work with spouses going through divorce. The fear of an unknown future forces rash decisions about parenting plan provisions or hurt from a disloyal spouse causes pettiness when dividing up personal belongings. “He is a jerk” but “he is the father of our children.” “She lied to me” and “She was committed to me in marriage for 17 years.” These can be facts while simultaneously evoking very different emotions. I can have fulfilling relationships and be lonely.
Herein lies the beauty of our humanness. We are complex and emotional. We can navigate with both logic and love. I see that it isn’t wrong or right. It just is. We closed out our chat boxes after sharing our feelings with appreciation and a new understanding of each other. In this act of meaningful engagement, neither of us felt lonely and I could feel with contentment that the dots had been connected.
The concern in his voice struck me right after I answered the second ring with “Hello?” “What is with this lonely stuff? You are good right?” He asked likely already knowing that his big sister was fine. “I am fine,” I replied trying to keep the exasperation undetectable in my response. I wasn’t lying or pacifying or placating. “Well, let’s get lunch soon,” he said lovingly fulfilling his brotherly duty to me and offering his solution to what he perceived as my problem.
While knowing that connection is the antidote to loneliness, by the time my brother called, it was several weeks after I felt lonely in the woods. [Telling the Truth] I no longer craved connection. My loneliness is not of the chronic kind, rather it comes in fits and starts – all in the fleeting variety. What intrigued me to start writing about it was why I felt weak admitting it. Then even further, why did I feel shamed by people commenting on it? [Surrendering to Shame]
In this interaction with my brother, and in a similar comment shared by someone telling me about their loneliness, I saw how our loved ones may simultaneously be the cure and the curse. My friend relayed “I don’t like telling my family when I feel lonely, because then they say, ‘But aren’t we enough?’” I recalled then how I didn’t even want to tell my mom that I had written about feeling lonely because I did not want her to unnecessarily worry.
Our loved ones – meaning spouses, family members, friends, coworkers, etc. all want to “fix” loneliness when they hear it. This “fix it” mindset may contribute to the very reason people conceal their loneliness, feel weak in acknowledging it, and sense shame for having a “problem.”
“Lonely” as defined by Merriam-Webster is being without company; cut off from others. We feel lonely for all sorts of reasons – we retire or quit and miss colleagues. We never had children or our children have moved into adulthood leaving our houses strangely quieted. We miss our parents who may still be alive and estranged or who may have passed away. We miss having a spouse because we are widowed or divorced. There are numerous nuances to a lonely experience.
Just as the reasons are varied for the cause of loneliness, so too are the solutions. Because I felt lonely and wanted a hand to hold on my walk in the woods, this did not mean I needed to book up my social calendar. It did not mean that I was looking for a long-term relationship. It did not mean I was going to exhaust myself by ignoring the joy I find in solitude and hobbies. It just meant I was lonely. I didn’t need to be fixed. I see now I needed to be heard and understood. To get what I needed I had to break the catch-22 and let someone in to share how I felt and then feel the relief from that connection.
Next I will share all the many ways I found I was heard and understood through connections of all kinds.
I clicked on “send” before my brain could stop me. “Shit.” I sighed and closed my laptop. It was out there now. I had confessed a deep dark feeling and there was nothing I could do now but wait. I had sent my longtime editor, coach, business partner, mentor, neighbor, hero, and dearest friend, Susan, the draft of my blog, Telling the Truth, to read and review. I hadn’t told anyone in my life I was feeling lonely as of late and admitting it in writing had left me reeling.
Per usual, Susan’s encouragement came in like clockwork. She answered my questions about the blog topic, offered comments on the scope, and suggested one edit for clarification purposes. Then she wrote this: “And on a personal note…I wondered.” My face immediately heated red and I recoiled in regret for having written the dumb blog in the first place.
It must be obvious. Is it obvious? I must appear pathetic. Am I pathetic? Am I a lonely old lady with only cats and crafts to keep me company? I am a loser. Am I a loser? This is so embarrassing. And down the shame spiral I went like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Suddenly everything small felt big and everything big, small. My feelings were magnified out of proportion and my perspective shrank into miniature.
Of course she wondered! In the 23 years she has known me, 12 of those years I was coupled and 11 of those I have been single. We lost our husbands in the same month – hers to cancer, mine to a divorce decree. She watches me living what she calls my “big life” every day. She knows up close and personal my fierce independence AND my tender-hearted need for deep connection with people. So why was I so shamed by this statement?
Why was I spinning out in shame? Why does being lonely feel embarrassing or weak? Why don’t we talk about loneliness? I am a million percent positive that every person who reads this has experienced loneliness and yet in our “good vibes only” society we are reluctant to reveal when we feel these normal feelings. It has become taboo to grieve, regret, feel sadness, or experience jealousy. Yet we all do.
I was called brave for giving voice to a feeling – a normal, not uncommon feeling. I even felt like I was jumping off the high dive when this admission was pushed out publicly. A co-worker of mine said because she had read my blog, she had been given enough courage to talk to her family for the first time ever about her loneliness. For this I am grateful, but I remain sad that the conversation isn’t more commonplace.
Next week I will write about what I think gets in the way for people. Thank you for reading, commenting, and sending me messages – it encourages, inspires, and reminds me that I may sometimes be lonely, but I am not alone.
The path winds and twists ahead. I breathe in the musky pine air and feel the soft moss-covered ground support my steps. The birds beckon me with their trills and tweets. I pause to sit on a sturdy wood carved bench forcing myself into my meditation to-do. Instead, the tears gather at the corners of my eyes afraid to budge. In the shallow first second, I want to laugh believing that the welling wetness in my eyes is born from the ever-present frustration I carry of not being able to quiet my mind. (Ever). But as I sit with my senses acutely awake, I feel it first, and then my brain concedes. I am lonely.
This concession feels like weakness wrapping me in a too-tight cocoon and I want to resist it with the determined resoluteness that drives me through most of my days. I am reminded of a friend who just a week before confessed his own struggle with singlehood after an unexpected health scare. In his vulnerability I admired his strength. I ducked out from under the double standard I had applied to myself and let my heart soften and tears fall.
By nature, my ten-out-of-ten on the introverted scale sends me regularly into solitude. I hand-stitch, read Jane Eyre, piece together puzzles, and dance with no one watching – literally. I restore my batteries and burst into being the boss, parenting my teens, and litigating the law. Luxuriating in these forms of loneliness trick me into believing I am immune from intimacy. Rarely do I look at, let alone acknowledge, my own deep-seeded needs.
My need for a hand to hold was lightheartedly put on my 2022 goal list when I was filling out a goal book and my over-achieving type-A cells didn’t want to leave a line blank – so “hold someone’s hand on a walk” was identified in the romance goal slot. My dear friend’s eyebrows lifted in surprise when we shared our sheets. “I was going for realistic – too much?” We laughed.
Here, now, seated on this bench, I think how nice it might be for someone to help shield the sting of heartbreak this season is bringing me with my oldest daughter soon graduating from high school, and my youngest struggling in the tempest throws of being 15. I know well how I could likewise support a partner being always the cheerleading optimist and loyal lover. And while this feels nothing like the loneliness I endured in my failed marriage, my heart hurts with the longing for shared affection.
There is something in being a truth-teller to myself. And while it is true that lonely is as fleeting a feeling as happiness or fear or elation, that should not serve as my excuse to avoid my needs. In reckoning with this truth, I feel compassion come to meet me in this space. I sigh as I stand and smile as I continue my walk without a hand to hold.
In the next weeks, I will continue my exploration of loneliness. I hope you will join me on my path.
If you or your spouse is a service member at Offutt Air Force Base and you are considering filing for divorce, the first question you must answer is where do I file?
Every state has different divorce filing requirements, but all states require at least one spouse to be a “legal resident” of the state in which he or she wishes to file. Legal residency (also known as “domicile”) is defined as the state in which a person resides while also intending that state to remain his or her permanent home. This intent requirement becomes more complicated with military divorces, as spouses in a military marriage often move among many different states.
Although service members are presumed Nebraska legal residents after being stationed in Nebraska for one consecutive year, those seeking to file for divorce must still meet the intent-to-remain requirement. To determine whether a spouse intends to remain permanently in Nebraska, courts often look at that spouse’s:
– current residence
– voter registration
– voting practices
– real property
– personal property
– financial accounts
– personal and professional memberships
– religious practices
– employment or education
– owned businesses
– driver’s license
– preparation of a will
– automobile registration
– tax payments
For service members, however, courts look to the service member’s state of legal residence as declared to the United States Department of Defense. This is always the state to which the service member pays state income taxes and is often the state in which the service member entered service. Some service members execute a State of Legal Residence Certificate (DD Form 2058) to change their state of legal residence.
Our legal team at Koenig|Dunne has represented many service members and spouses through the complexities of a military divorce, and we are here to help you navigate these difficult issues with experience and wholehearted support.
This blog is made available to the reader by Koenig|Dunne for educational purposes only, to provide general information and understanding of the law, and not to provide specific legal advice. By reading this blog, no attorney-client relationship is developed between the law firm and the reader. This blog should not be used as a substitute for competent legal advice from a licensed professional attorney in your state. The content of this blog is not an advertisement for legal services.