Tag: Divorce

Divorce

Beautiful Still

March 9, 2017 / Doing Divorce

By the time I was sixteen I knew I was a one man woman. I fell in love with the long-haired guitar playing hippie and remained madly so until I was half way through college. A serial monogamist, I love being coupled. Being coupled means an ever present partner for the small joys that fill me up. Someone to make a spinach frittata for or to bring me a cup of coffee just the way I like it. A fellow traveler strolling from the arugula stand to the flower stall at the farmer’s market. The one who relaxes reading nearby

Why Wait

March 2, 2017 / Doing Divorce

“I just want it over,” he said. I remember he’d been insistent he get the earliest available appointment. When asked whether he had been referred to a specific attorney he said, “Yes. But just get me in. I need someone now.” There were no allegations of intimate partner abuse, of bank accounts being emptied or credit cards being maxed out. No dispute about who would remain in the marital home. No children. Unlike most who consult about divorce, Jason wasn’t interested in sharing his story of his fifteen year marriage or why its end appeared imminent. He’d barely taken his

Being Dishonest

February 23, 2017 / Doing Divorce

I was sneaking down the stairs to the basement to avoid both the creaky steps and detection. I made my way to the Sam’s Club storage stash and started taking the packs of toilet paper out to hide them in a different place. I was nervous and moving quickly. The shame of my scheming and deceitful behavior was one thought and tear away. I felt like a thief. I was in my own home. To remember, let alone admit to this behavior, immediately fills me with embarrassment. I had a choice to ignore this part of my past and pretend

Expectations or Expectancy

February 16, 2017 / Doing Divorce

Expectations have set me up for more than a little suffering in life. This week I decided to give expectancy of good a try instead. When I predict things will go badly, expectations leave me feeling blue in anticipation. When I predict events will unfold precisely as I’d planned, expectations inevitably leave me feeling disappointed. I decided to set aside my Valentine’s Day expectations of happy or sad, of good or bad, and instead hold the expectancy of a good day. I used my analytical mind to protect my thin-skinned heart. I retrieved a favorite well-worn tool, list-making, and gathered

Above and Beyond

February 9, 2017 / Doing Divorce

I was starting to stress with every snowflake coming down. I had to get my girls safely to school on time in this slippery slush and then make sure I was in the courtroom with my exhibits organized and ready to go promptly at our 9 a.m. start time. From the parking garage I half jogged in my suit and snow boots toting my rolling briefcase behind me and double checking that I had my high heels ready for a quick change in the courthouse. I arrived somewhat breathless to find a dark courtroom. Neither the bailiff nor the judge

Resisting Relaxing

February 2, 2017 / Doing Divorce

I believe in the rule of three. When I hear something three times, I pay attention. “Relax” said my friend, watching my analysis of the political happenings of the day, my voice speeding up as though to catch my waving arms. “Relax” said my instructor at my Tuesday night belly dance lesson as my mind battled with my body. “Relax” said my co-worker as I battled an imaginary opponent, explaining with agitation my missed deadline. Am I really that uptight? Does my mere presence make others anxious? Am I the antithesis of easy going? I picture myself a positive person,

Pursuing Perspective

January 26, 2017 / Doing Divorce

When she stood at the altar with him and they recited their vows through smiles and tears, she did not imagine that a few years later he would be hiding alcohol bottles in the garage out of reach of their two year old and calling her fat and lazy. She did not anticipate that she would feel unsafe in the home that should have served as sanctuary. The more abusive and drunk he became, the more she tried to “obey” his rules. She developed unrealistic standards of herself and her children. She was a slave to her own rigidity born

How to Melt Ice

January 19, 2017 / Doing Divorce

As a Sunday ice storm moved into the city, my co-workers made plans to enjoy the closing of the office to turn the weekend from two days to three. My exuberance for a winter snow day, however, was nowhere to be found. Dangerous roads put the kibosh on brunch plans with friends. A remodel project meant chaos reigned around me with a bathroom demolished, my bed a mattress on my dining room floor, and a dusting of drywall powder throughout. The only thing I had more of than messes were excuses. How could I do my yoga routine with my

Knowing Nana

January 12, 2017 / Doing Divorce

They messaged with only a moment’s notice – the pair who served as my in-lawed parents for a decade. They were in town for their annual Christmas break week with my girls – their grandchildren. My daughters wanted to show them our new home and without thinking about the state of my living room a few days after Christmas, I said yes. I have seen my former in-laws on a handful of occasions since the divorce over 5 years ago at the occasional dance recital or soccer game when they come to town for a visit. We would exchange brief

I Resolve

December 29, 2016 / Uncategorized

I pull out the well-worn writing notebook I keep in my bedside table. It is in these pages that I find notes from throughout the years, written visions I prepare at the end of one year – forecasting what I would most like to see in the next, and a summary of accomplishments, failures, and events from the years prior. I carve out a purpose filled hour to reflect on the lessons learned and how I want to better show up in the year ahead. I set goals, I chose a word to guide me in the new year (2017

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