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Tag: Loss

Loss

Having Heartbreak

I started to feel a sickness in my stomach.  My eyes welled without warning.  In mere seconds I felt myself feeling sluggish and exhausted.  Sadness was sinking in.  I wanted to stop time – change it even.  I felt desperate in my disbelief.  I was watching the election results unfold.  For me, my candidate was losing and lost.  I was now facing yet another of my life’s heartbreaks. This post is not political.  This post is about heartbreak.  It happens to each of us.  In many forms and in many ways over our lifetimes we will experience a hope lost,
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Casserole Care

I thought it was heat rash when the red prickly, itchy bumps appeared.  Then the pain set in and my instincts told me otherwise.  The doctor took one look and resolutely said, “Shingles.”  “Adult chicken pox?” I asked.  “At your age the only explanation is that it is stress induced,” he looked at me with what felt like a smidge of silent judgment.  I was on Google as soon as I walked in the door to discern how long this bout would last, my mind already racing to the commitments I had the following work week and how was I
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September Sorrow

I refolded my mascara smeared and soaked handkerchief. The melodic poetry. The organ music. The stories of love. The funeral of my friend was beautiful. From weddings to funerals, sacred rituals bind us to our past. They remind us of our connectedness, of our shared joys and the shared heartbreak that no human escapes. Weddings remind me of weddings gone by— those I’ve attended, those I’ve officiated, and the two that were mine. But sitting in the packed pew on this Saturday, it was a funeral that opened my heart and carried it into my memory bank. The life of
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Former Family Feelings

I approached my former husband amidst the room of the grieving. Momentarily disoriented by his polite reach to shake my hand, I leaned forward with an insistent and brief but sincere hug. “My dad always really liked you,” he said, forcing that smile I remember from our married years when he tried to look on the sunny side of sad situations. “And I always really liked him,” I said, looking away and choking back the tears. My former father-in-law was a good man. I remember him quietly giving a “be nice” reminder when squabbling between me the lawyer and my
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Ending Love

Things end. Some endings bring relief. Some leave us lost. I feel relief at endings like time in the dentist’s chair, a successful surgery for my sister, or a flight taking me home to Omaha. I feel lost when relationships with those I love end because so much of who I am is connected to the people with whom I work and play. People like Fred who died last Friday. Fred the drama queen poet and next door neighbor who watched my children go from Montessori to college. Fred the matchmaker who brought John and me together and then officiated
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Finding Fairness

She stared out the passenger window of my car with a steady stream of tears trailing down her cheeks.  I gripped the steering wheel to steady myself wishing for any way to make this bearable for her.  It was two days before Thanksgiving and I was driving Lori, my paralegal of 15 years, to the hospital where her daughter-in-law was losing her first baby at 24 weeks of pregnancy.  Lori was trying to find strength for her family and as she grappled with the loss of her first granddaughter.  “It isn’t fair,” she whispered into the world as I realized
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Heartache Pass

This is my charmed life. My Saturday started with a delightful invitation from a law school classmate to pick wild flowers on his acreage. Armed with my best shears, I gleefully celebrated the humble goldenrod as our state flower while filling my bucket to the brim. As I leaned in for the Black Eyed Susans, a wave of sadness gently washed over me. I was reminded of a bit of heaven on earth from my married life. Like many who go through divorce, a treasured piece of land I loved had to be sold. It was the place I went
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Mariachi Mother’s Day

I had a 3 o’clock appointment for a massage from Fernando. I separated from my six travel companions who were more willing than me on this Mother’s Day morning to haggle with the street vendors hawking brightly colored scarves and silver necklaces. I walked quickly to an uncertain destination with my eyes straight ahead under my big black sunhat. In the distance I could see the ocean. I quickened my pace until I arrived at the plaza that opened onto the beach. A line had gathered outside a small white chapel whose entrance was covered in white flowers drooping in
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Remaking May Memories

May is a month of meaningful memories for me. Starting on the very first of May, I remember the days my children celebrated May Day by making tiny baskets to hang for neighbors in our tree lined block. They delighted to hang their surprise on the doorknob, ring the bell, and race away. As a girl growing up Catholic in my Little Italy neighborhood, May was the month to honor the Virgin Mary. Her shrine on my bedroom dresser was an inverted shoe box covered with a lace doily where her veiled figure in her blue and pink gown stood
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Reminded Anew

His wide open eyes revealed his shell shock. In less than 24 hours he had learned that his mother had a medical crisis, was hospitalized, and now faced death. The single parent who worked two jobs to raise him and his sisters on her own. The piano teacher who instilled in him a love of music that endured throughout his life. Mom. Philip, a fellow attorney here at the firm, is a dedicated man. A devoted husband, bright and hardworking, a loving father. The summer afternoon the phone call came, he arranged for his clients to be cared for by
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